Dreams Reborn...

I entered  parenthood at the tender age of 20...well actually 19 and 364 days, but who's counting? The little bubble that I had existed in called college burst almost as soon as my amniotic sac did. Staying out late was over. Being jobless was over. Sleeping in 'til noon was over. These were all things I had prepared myself for while I was pregnant. What I hadn't counted on being stalled, halted, or just plain over, were my dreams. Since no one told me to guard them, protect them, hold on to them, cling to them, I slowly, and unknowingly, let them fall away. The young woman formerly known as me, who had been a dreamer, full of life and creativity, ceased to exist.

She was replaced...with a hamster. We'll call her Hammy.

Hammy got on the wheel of "just existing" and didn't look back. Her life became working and taking care of the little person she had brought into the world. She had no time for writing or journaling, singing or creating anymore, because only self-centered, selfish mothers allowed themselves to dwell on such things...right? At least that's what the Hammy told herself. As marriage and more children came, Hammy implored herself to dive into taking care of her family with full force. Every time bits of her former self would creep to the surface, Hammy would admonish herself to not dilly dally with such things as dreams--unless of course those dreams had something to do with the husband/kids.

For some time Hammy had it going on. She was going full speed ahead like a well run locomotive. Homecooked meals? Check. Listening ear? Check. Homework checker? Check. Supportive and attentive wife? Check. Appearance kept up? Check. Spotless house? (Um, with small children? Not usually, but the house was at least neat, so we'll say semi-check).

But then Hammy turned 30, and the wheel started squeaking. It became more and more difficult to move. What Hammy didn't realize was that each time she squelched her former self's voice/dreams, a little piece of herself eroded, until there was a gaping hole too big to ignore. She couldn't understand what was going on. All the usual things that made her feel better did nothing.

That is until she started letting her former voice get louder. By this point she was too tired to fight the voice that had been trying to say something for so many years. She was flooded with so many dreams, old and new, she didn't know where to begin. New ideas were coming forth while she was awake and even when she was asleep. With her old voice finally having a say again, she was able to tell herself that it was not only okay to dream and create while being a wife and mother, but that it was a necessity for sanity. Marriage and motherhood was never meant to be martyrdom.

And so now I'm back! The journey to get here has been long, arduous, full of tears. I've driven my husband and kids bananas (sorry guys!), but it was worth it. I've come to realize, (in a non-cocky way), that I'm extraordinary! I'm smart, multi-talented, creative. Yes I have a husband and four kids, but they're here to enhance my life, not end it. With my new state of mind, I'm ready to make some dreams come true!

Win-Win Situation!

When I tell people that I'm homeschooling my children i get one of two responses: people either give their unwarranted opinion as to why I shouldn't homeschool my children, or people act as though I should be nominated for sainthood.  By no means should I be sainted, but those people who have done nothing but try to discourage me from homeschooling have no idea how I got to this place.  

When I say homeschooling was not in my plan, I'm talking no where in the realm of things I had planned.  I don't know about any of you, but I'm a planner, so to speak.  Not the kind who gets paid to put together extravagant events.  No, I sit around contemplating what my next move will be in six months to a year.  So five years ago, after my baby boy was born, I started planning in my head.  The plan was easy.  He would be joining his brother and sister at school, which would leave the house empty.  That meant I could get a part time job if I wanted and I could go back to school.  Five years sounded like a long time, but I knew the time would fly by.  And so to stay motivated I would weekly, if not daily think about my plan.  What school would I go to?  What would be my field of study?  Would I go part-time or full-time?  Funny thing about my plans is that they often don't go the way I expect.

Enter December 2008.

December 2008 I found out I was pregnant.  My husband and I were excited.  Expecting a baby when you're 29 versus when you're 19 is a HUGE difference.  There was no anxiety, no embarrassment, no dread.  There was something quite empowering knowing that I was carrying a life, a life that starts out microscopic, having no body parts, which eventually turns into a small, perfect, beautiful little person.  As happy as I was, though, I did realize that a new addition to the house meant a shift in my well thought out plan.  But I'm flexible so it was no problem.

When my baby girl crossed over into this world last summer, I couldn't have been more thrilled.  To see her develop daily right before my eyes was awe-inspiring.  Seeing her smile, roll over, crawl, even hearing her cry was not only another testament to the existence of God, but also a testament to His awesomeness.  Still, I knew that her being here meant that things were going to change drastically.

Once all of my hormones went back to normal (well, what I call normal), I was able to think straight and take the steps necessary to readjust my plan.  One thing was for sure, though, my baby boy would be joining the older two at school, which left me home with the baby.  We'd have extra bonding time, if you will.  But, I would have to set aside my dream of school once again (Note: I just want to clarify one thing.  My having a baby is not fully what halted my going back to school.  It's a mix of the new baby and the fact that my husband is in school at nights AND works a crazy full time schedule.  With no one to watch the baby, it'd be impossible for me to go). 
Oh, did I forget to mention that a few weeks before the baby was born we moved?

So a month before the baby was born we closed on our first house.  I was somewhat familiar with our new neighborhood, as I grew up about 15 minutes or so from the area. My children are rather outgoing, so they, nor I, was too concerned about how they would fit in at their new school.  But concerns that I had not had before cropped up.  Excessive fighting, disrespect towards authority, foul mouths, adult language--let's just say that this new student body was different from the one they had become accustomed to.  Daily I would get reports on the latest happenings regarding the children in their classrooms. "Such-and-such told the teacher he was going to kill him"; "so-and-so kept picking a fight with me", and so on.  My oldest son, who had never been in a fight before, found himself weekly, often times daily having to defend himself against other little boys that kept starting fights with him--that is until he kicked enough of their behinds that they stopped with the physical threats and moved on to verbal assaults.  I would listen to my daughter cry because this little girl called her ugly, another little girl said that she didn't want to be her friend and yet another little girl got all up in her face.  Plus, the behavior of my children at home had drastically changed.  They were talking back, rolling eyes, sucking teeth--you get the picture.  And if you know me/my husband, you know we don't take that up in here!

Armed with all of this I did what any parent would do.  I spoke with the teachers and principal about all of the issues that were going on, but to no avail.  Though the principal and teachers were receptive to what I had to say, their hands were tied, so to speak.  Though I told them about what was going on, I knew that they see this behavior everyday, and can't do anything themselves to curtail the behavior if the parents are of the mindset that their little angel would never misbehave.  With that in mind I was left with a decision to make: Do I tell my children that they basically have to suck it up, or do I try to find a better solution?

I chose the latter.

My first thought was to find out if any of the private or parochial schools in the area had any scholarships.  I also looked into charter schools.  Because I started this search in March, I was too late to apply for scholarships for the coming school year, and none of the charter schools seemed to have spots open for K, 3rd and 5th grade.  Come April I was ready to throw my hands up.  I had done all that I could think to do.  And then it hit me.

Homeschool.

A few years back I had looked into the idea of homeschool (don't ask me why).  I had looked up a gaggle of information, and had done tons of research.  By the time I had decided it was something I might be interested in doing, I found out I was pregnant.  Didn't think it was the best idea for me to begin something of that magnitude when I knew I'd be hugging the porcelain or dragging around the house in need of a nap.

The first time around when I was telling people about my interest in homeschool I remember them looking at me like I had grown a third eye.  Certain family members and friends balked at the idea of me doing such a thing.  This time around those same people are behind me 100%.  The difference (I'm speculating) being that my children were thriving in their previous environment, so there seemed to be no reason to pull them out of traditional school.  Now there was plenty of reason.

And so here we are.  It always happens in my life that I research or learn about something "random" that I don't use or need at the current time.  I never remember what caused me to look the stuff up in the first place.  Then life happens and all of sudden I need every bit of what I researched and more.  I can only attribute it to God's hand being on me.  I believe He starts preparing me in advance (though I never know it then) for a task I'm going to do in the future. I'm sure He got quite a chuckle watching me make my little "plans", knowing that He had something totally different in store for me. 

What I've realized now is that homeschooling is not only good for my children, but it's answered prayer for me.  For months (maybe even years) I have been whining to God about the great brain He's given me and that it was going to waste just being at home with the kids.  I went on and on about how useless and unproductive I felt.  Trust me, it was regularly pity party central over here.  After the second day of teaching, amid all the busyness and craziness, running up and down the stairs, fumbling through the lesson plan book, it hit me that that for once in a long time I was THRIVING!  Yes I was exhausted, somewhat overwhelmed, and nervous about my teaching abilities, but I felt alive!  I'm being mentally stretched in ways unimaginable to me, and at the same time I'm giving my children a safe, loving environment in which to learn.  That is what I call and win-win situation!

Dear Mr. President...

I'm not much for bothering people in power; it's just not what I do.  As a wife and mother of 4 I realize that people's time is not only precious, but it's also limited.  When you are responsible to or for a number of people, you can easily be pulled in many directions at once. 

That being said, I have decided to use this medium to write President Obama a letter.  Since high school seemingly every political candidate, from local council people to presidential hopefuls have gone on and on about the need for an educational overhaul of some sort.  In all this time, though, the only thing that came to fruition is No Child Left Behind, which seems to have left behind quite a few children.  I've listened to educators and non-educators alike weigh in on how to change, improve and re-invent the educational "wheel".

So I have decided to weigh in on the education debate as well, albeit in a much less public way.  Will President Obama see this letter? It's doubtful, unless he happens upon my blog (which I seriously doubt) or someone else reads this and forwards it to him (something else I doubt).  Perhaps someone else may read this who is in agreement with what I have to say and maybe, just maybe, our collective voices will be heard and change will happen.

Here goes...

"Dear Mr. President,

I want to begin by congratulating you on attaining what many have merely dreamed of.  Seeing you in office allows me and other parents of color to tell our children that they really can aspire to become the President; it's something that is actually in their reach.  I also want to commend you on your ability to keep cool amid the constant attacks from those opposed to your point of view.  Not sure how you do it, but it's reassuring knowing that you are able to maintain your equanimity in all situations.

I'm writing because I would like to add my two cents to the education conversation.  I will be honest and admit to you that my only qualifications are that I'm a concerned parent and I am the product of two educators.  Being the daughter of educators has always caused me to look at our current education system differently than most people.  Something I find disturbing is that the overwhelming majority of the blame for our failing education system is placed on teachers.  There's no shared culpability between teachers, administrators, parents, and dare I say, students.  No one talks about the astonishing number of students that come to school merely out of obligation instead of a genuine thirst for knowledge.  Of course that could be because students these days are being taught by the latest standardized test (and by the way, has education really improved since the onslaught of all these tests?).  Nor does anyone talk about the many hats teachers have to wear: social worker, conflict mediator, parent or a combination of them all.  There's also this new thing about teachers being required to teach their students subjects they are not yet developmentally ready for (my 4th grade son was learning about solving algebraic equations. Algebraic equations at 10 years old...really?!)? 

You are a busy man Mr. President so I will not bore you with all of my complaints regarding our current education model.  I would, however, like to share a few ideas that I believe would greatly help our children.

First, I believe it would be a good idea for the whole states rights issue to be overturned as it relates to education.  In my humble opinion, one large obstacle in the way of better educating the children of our nation is that each state has different standards for education.  Wouldn't it be better if children received the same education in New York as they would in Massachusetts, Arizona and so on?

Second, I think that it would be in the best interest of all involved if all children were made to wear uniforms to school.  Children being allowed to wear whatever they want causes great distraction for students and teachers alike.  Also, uniforms would help children to focus more on their schooling and less on material things.  Plus, parents who don't have a lot of money won't feel bad about not being able to buy their children the latest fashions.

Another idea that I think could be helpful is to make all middle schools and high schools same sex or at least make the classes same sex.  I don't have to tell you that hormones start going crazy around middle school.  Girls start noticing guys and vice versa.  I remember that age well.  And I also remember thinking heavily about guys when I should have been concentrating more on my studies.  In addition, girls tend to shy away from class participation when in a mixed environment.  I don't have to tell you that class participation is an integral part of the learning process.

Lastly, I believe that we need to go back to basics.  I know you were expecting something complicated, but that is the exact problem.  School has been made unnecessarily complicated.  As stated earlier, my 4th grader was learning algebraic equations.  Sure it was rudimentary algebra, but the very idea of teaching algebra (or geometry for that matter) at that age is asinine.  And what's with all the crazy new ways to do addition, subtraction, multiplication and division?  Why are people trying to reinvent the wheel?  We shouldn't be making things more complicated than they have to be.  I know our children are supposed to be in this big competition with children around the world, but in our zeal to out-do others, we are ruining our children.

Mr. President, I realize that I don't have letters behind my name to qualify me as someone who is an expert on education.   But maybe that's the problem.  Too many "experts" with too many convoluted ways of reaching a simple goal, which is to equip our children with the tools necessary to not only successfully compete with their international counterparts, but to also be filled with a passion to learn outside the confines of school.and not enough common sense".

Do People REALLY Know Where You Stand?

Don't ask me how I started thinking about this--I just did.  Actually, it probably started when I was at the nail salon last week and saw a Jehovah's Witness, well, witness.  Despite us not being in close proximity to each other, I was able to hear her all the way in the front of the salon where I was.  The young lady (we'll call her Jessie) she was witnessing to was not the first person in the salon that she shared her message with, but for some reason, my ears perked up this time.  Though I couldn't hear exactly what Jessie was saying, I could tell from the conversation that she was engaged/married to a man that was not "into church" (ask me if I'm surprised) and she was therefore concerned about whether or not it was a good idea for her to get involved with being a Jehovah's Witness.  The Jehovah's Witness (we'll call her Simone) gave her some reassuring words, a few scriptures (which she used incorrectly, but that's for a different post) and encouraged Jessie to meet with her at a later date to get a bible study started.  Jessie was "hooked" and will no doubt become a Jehovah's Witness soon.

As I was listening to Simone chop up scripture---uh, talk to Jessie, I was unsettled.  No, unsettled probably isn't the word.  I'd say I was envious.  Why?  Because with no hesitation, Simone swooped in, started a conversation with Jessie, and within mere minutes had a new convert.  And the thing is, I could tell it was like breathing for Simone.  She didn't have to coerce, intimidate or beat Jessie over the head.  Since I wasn't able to get to Jessie after Simone, I went from envious, to saddened/upset.  Hopefully Jessie will hear and accept the gospel.  If not, there goes another potential saint.

That incident somehow got me to thinking about atheists (hey, don't ask me how my mind works.  It often goes on it's own tagents).  I used to have disdain for atheists, just angry with them, for no other reason than their non-belief in God.  And though I still strongly oppose what they stand for (I just can't understand how you can look at all of creation and believe that the earth/"mother nature"/universe made this happen.  I would think the mere fact that a slight tilt of the earth one way or the other could freeze or fry would be glaring evidence of the existence of God, but...I digress), I respect the fact that they're clear on who they are and what they believe.  There's no back and forth, there's no hot and cold.  They're not on the fence.  What I've also noticed is most atheists wear their belief (or is it lack thereof?) as a badge of honor.  They're at the ready for those who seek to proselytize them. 

Though I disagree with Simones of the world do and am saddened by what atheists do daily in attempting to prove there is no God (and encouraging others to do the same), I can't "hate the player". They're doing what they feel convicted to do. They let others no, in no uncertain terms, what (who) they stand for!


That got me to thinking...do others REALLY know where my beloved brothers and sisters in Christ and me stand? 

As grateful as I am to not be living in the "dark ages" of the church (y'all know what I mean.  No women preachers; no pants or makeup for women; the broker you are, the closer you are to God; God wants you to be broke, etc.), I'm fearful that we're becoming too "free", so to speak.  We're becoming too fly.  Please understand, I am not a "everything but church, the Bible and Christian programming is the devil" type of person, but what happened to our standards?  What happened to our unflinching convictions?  What happened to Christians not caring if people disliked us because of what we believed?

Christianity has seemingly become the flavor du jour.  It appears Christianity is the new "it" club to be a part of, as long as the standards are tailor-made to suit each individual, because who wants to be told they have to make some changes, huh?  Who wants to deal with potentially losing family or friends, temporarily or permanently because they speak against actions and behaviors that are morally wrong?  But that's what we signed up for.  Not a social club where we determine what "rules and regs" we'll adhere to, while ignoring those that make us or others around us uncomfortable.  Joining was not supposed to be so we could rock the newest, flashiest cross-adorned shirts, the biggest, most gaudy "Jesus piece", or adhere an Ichthus to our ride(s) (though I see no problem with any of those things).  Jesus was very clear in Matthew 10 when He said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth.  I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the memebers of his own household." (v. 34-36).  He knew that for every person who got saved, there may be a relative or friend who would resist the gospel.  What that means is, sometimes we have to say the thing that nobody wants to say.  At times we have to decline being a part of/going to different affairs.  As harsh as this may sound, sometimes we'll have to stand alone (so to speak).  Is it easy?  NO!!!  Is it comfortable?  NO!!!  But He never said it would be either of those things.  Do I struggle with these things?  I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  But every day I wake up I try to remember that I'm representing Him, to my children, my husband, other family, friends and strangers.  I want my children to look at me and say "that's how I'm supposed to live my life before God".  I want my unsaved husband to look at how I submit to him/pray for him/take care of our home & children and in turn accept Christ for himself (he doesn't currently believe in Jesus, but I do believe that he respects me for not being wishy-washy on the subject).  I want to freely, passionately, lovingly and effortlessly talk to nonbelievers about the Lord in such a way that they too want to be saved.  I want everyone to know, without question exactly where I stand!

How about you?

Basket of Potpourri? What kind of name is THAT for a blog?!

So I tried this whole blog thing before.  For a number of reasons it didn't really get off the ground.  One of them being that I couldn't decide what I wanted the blog to be about.  Should it be about my walk with Christ, including the good, the bad and the ugly?  What about being married?  How about being a stay-at-home mom?  Maybe about fashion...uh, that last one would have been a long shot, since fashion is not my strong suit, but you get my point.  I vacillated back and forth about it for so long that I just canned the whole thing. 

Then I had an epiphany.  Who said I couldn't write about them all?  Was it necessary for me to be confined to one topic? 

Truth is I'm interested in a plethora of things.  I research and read on varied topics, including, but definitely not limited to politics, pop culture, how to keep marriage spicy, natural food/hair/body products, economics--I think you get my drift.  Bottom line, I'm a hard girl to peg.  Much love to all the bloggers out there who are able to tailor make their blogs to speak about one overarching theme.  My mind, however, is somewhat like a child's.  One minute it's on one thing, the next it's on something else.

Hence Rose's Basket of Potpourri.  If you've known me for a while, you know the significance of Rose.  The basket is this blog.  And for those who don't know (which I'm sure all of you do), potpourri, besides being a fragrant mixture of dried petals and spices, is also a mix of unrelated topics, objects, etc.

So, welcome to Rose's Basket of Potpourri.  I hope you enjoy!