I entered parenthood at the tender age of 20...well actually 19 and 364 days, but who's counting? The little bubble that I had existed in called college burst almost as soon as my amniotic sac did. Staying out late was over. Being jobless was over. Sleeping in 'til noon was over. These were all things I had prepared myself for while I was pregnant. What I hadn't counted on being stalled, halted, or just plain over, were my dreams. Since no one told me to guard them, protect them, hold on to them, cling to them, I slowly, and unknowingly, let them fall away. The young woman formerly known as me, who had been a dreamer, full of life and creativity, ceased to exist.
She was replaced...with a hamster. We'll call her Hammy.
Hammy got on the wheel of "just existing" and didn't look back. Her life became working and taking care of the little person she had brought into the world. She had no time for writing or journaling, singing or creating anymore, because only self-centered, selfish mothers allowed themselves to dwell on such things...right? At least that's what the Hammy told herself. As marriage and more children came, Hammy implored herself to dive into taking care of her family with full force. Every time bits of her former self would creep to the surface, Hammy would admonish herself to not dilly dally with such things as dreams--unless of course those dreams had something to do with the husband/kids.
For some time Hammy had it going on. She was going full speed ahead like a well run locomotive. Homecooked meals? Check. Listening ear? Check. Homework checker? Check. Supportive and attentive wife? Check. Appearance kept up? Check. Spotless house? (Um, with small children? Not usually, but the house was at least neat, so we'll say semi-check).
But then Hammy turned 30, and the wheel started squeaking. It became more and more difficult to move. What Hammy didn't realize was that each time she squelched her former self's voice/dreams, a little piece of herself eroded, until there was a gaping hole too big to ignore. She couldn't understand what was going on. All the usual things that made her feel better did nothing.
That is until she started letting her former voice get louder. By this point she was too tired to fight the voice that had been trying to say something for so many years. She was flooded with so many dreams, old and new, she didn't know where to begin. New ideas were coming forth while she was awake and even when she was asleep. With her old voice finally having a say again, she was able to tell herself that it was not only okay to dream and create while being a wife and mother, but that it was a necessity for sanity. Marriage and motherhood was never meant to be martyrdom.
And so now I'm back! The journey to get here has been long, arduous, full of tears. I've driven my husband and kids bananas (sorry guys!), but it was worth it. I've come to realize, (in a non-cocky way), that I'm extraordinary! I'm smart, multi-talented, creative. Yes I have a husband and four kids, but they're here to enhance my life, not end it. With my new state of mind, I'm ready to make some dreams come true!
